Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Wow. Today is a tough day. I encourage you to check out my ex's blog.


You know how little things can trigger the emotional outburst you have kept inside for a while? Yeah, it's one of those days. Let's start at the beginning. Started off today by seeing my new office at work. Holy shit. I had a desk bigger than that in 3rd grade. My key doesn't work to lock my drawer or cabinet. They didn't move my computer stuff from the old building and I think someone left skidmarks in my new chair. Either way, the day of unpacking boxes began. Around lunch time, someone has the great idea of going to Hooters. Might sound like a good idea at the time, but its not. Overcrowded erect business men slapping and grabbing ass is not my idea of a good time. Ok, maybe it is my idea of a good time without the business men there. When we get back I find out that there have been some new job postings for us. One of them I am supposed to have a lock on from what I have been told. Anyways, apply for that, fuck off some more by shooting hoops at my mini basketball thing at my crowded desk, bullshit around with people that I don't want to injure in my office and go the hell home. Just as I get relaxed and start getting to sleep, Pat comes home and wakes me up to go to his parent's house for his sister's birthday. No nap. Go over there and eat way too much mexican food and now here I am. Get an email from my ex today about her new blog. Somethings in there I know, but I just don't want to think about. Her calling me her ex just doesn't seem right. 4 fucking years and I had to go and fuck it up. I don't understand. I keep telling myself that if she wanted to be with me she would be with me. Why the fuck do I keep on with this shit? If I had half of my shit together in my head I would just tell her not to talk to me anymore at all and save myself some real pain. I have never had anyone lead me around like she has been doing to me. There are plenty of other girls out there that could make me happy and would love me for who I am, but it's not about that. True love only happens once, I believe that. The fucked up thing is, true love for you might not be true love for the other person. It's like me seeing the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with living her life with someone else. That fucking hurts. If I never talked to her again, I would save myself from holding on to something that's not there. I would save myself from having to hear her say, "I'm kinda seeing someone now and I think it's best if we quit talking." What the fuck! I can't stop loving her. I just fucking can't. Call me a pussy, make fun of me, I do it every day, but I just fucking can't stop. Well after that little trip down suicide lane, I think I'm going to go hit the bottle and count the rounds left in the 9. Either that or look at porn.......maybe a little of both. Imagine that.


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