Well, it happened. Me and A are no longer talking. The past 18 hours have been pretty tough and I know that it will be for the best I suppose. I think the only reason Im putting this on here is so that I can get some words out that I keep bottled up in me. Its really strange how people can grow apart. Last night it felt like neither one of us wanted to make this move, but we didnt have a choice. Sometimes I wonder if your head and your heart dont work together. For me, I know my heart is with her, but I think my mind still holds on to things in the past. I think she might feel the same way too. If I could turn back time and go back to when we still lived together, I would change so many things. We wouldnt have had the problems we did if we would have just addressed the problems when they occured. I cant turn back time though. I have to live with what is in the past and hopefully learn from my mistakes.
I did try to be better over the past year or so and I thought that things were going pretty good through the summer. For some reason, around September or maybe August, things just changed. I wondered if it was something I did. I then wondered if it was something she did. Was there someone else? No. It was none of the above. Things that we do to people that hurt them stay with them forever. Someone once told me "I can forgive, but I can never forget." I never really knew how true that was until now.
Will things be better? Im sure they will be. Its just a matter of getting past the first day, the first week, the first month. Take it one day at a time and know that future will take you where you are supposed to be. Will we ever be back together? I want to say yes, but I feel like it will be no. I dont believe that we decide where and what we are going to do, I think we are put there. Maybe we werent meant to be together. Maybe we need some time to let the wounds heal. Either way, I do hope that in the future I can be strong enough to stay friends with her. I care too much about her to just let her go and never know what happens to her. For now, I cant. Call me weak, call me dumb, call me what you want, I cant. Right now I cant sit back and talk to her and act like I am ok with just being her friend. I didnt move in with her, buy a house, get engaged, because she is a good friend......I did it because I love her. Im sure in the future if things do not work out between us that we will both lead a long and happy life, it will just take time to heal our wounds.
Ill close with this, as many bad things as I can remember from the past, they are greatly overshadowed by the good. As much pain as I feel right now, I wouldnt give up the past 5 years with her for anything. I actually think that instead of being so sad, we should be glad that we had the time together that we did. If you read this, and you are with someone, go home and let them know how much you think of them. Nothing special, just do the little things. Say I love you, kiss them before you go to sleep, get in one last hug before you go to work. You dont know what you have until its gone.