No, not that......














Shit, not that......what the fuck....







What the hell? Not that shit. Fuck it.

















Ok, that blew harder than a freshman at a senior prom and I don't even think that I'm going in the right direction of where I want to go. Oh well, stick with me and we might learn something. As I sat at a local bar drinking tonight with a friend, I noticed a man desperately trying to make the midnight last call for ass. As I watched the poor soul sweep the damsel in distress off of her feet, I finally have enough to write about to where I can tell you poor shits what not to do. I also have to give a little thanks as we go along to some that have pointed out very obvious things to me in the past few weeks. And away weee gooooooo!!!!!

1. Pick up lines are not only pick up lines, but screams for desperation. If you can't sit there and start a normal conversation without using such cheesedick lines as "what's a pretty lady like you doing in a place like this?" (thanks Baker), just don't do it at all. I can strike up a conversation with a priest about an 8 year old with less akward lines than that and probably still get some ass at the end of the night if I play my holy cards right.

2. Drinks are a good starting point, but not a good thighmaster. Buying a girl a beer is one thing, but piling on shot after shot will not only lead to sloppy STD ridden sex with a girl that looks like Anna Nicole Smith (circa 2002), but also possibly a whiskey dick for yourself or a passing out on the way home from your significantly drunk other. And when I say STD, I'm not talking the good kind that makes you ribbed for her pleasure, but I'm talking the puss filled kind that shows up like mud butt at an interview.....not wanted, but cleansing non the less.

3. Paying for the tab doesn't guarantee sex. I will say that it helps, but not a guarantee. You need to for sure lock that shit up before handing over the 21% credit card that rapes you every month and still leaves you with a hearty helping of Sex Games : Cancun on cable. Look it up....I'm watching it as I type.

4. Talking about yourself is good, if you want to be an arrogant dickwad. Talk about her. Seriously......what? No, seriously. Oh, wow! You drive a new BMW? Those shoes cost you $300? Girls don't give two shits about that stuff. That just means you have a small penis and are looking for every reason to take her mind off of it while you are trying to get your 2 minutes of pleasure in just before you roll over and ask her to leave. You, sir are a dickwad of the highest power.....Did I mention that I bought new shoes and a new BMW. Not bragging, just saying.

5. This is my last one since I am tired and ready to watch the episodes of Family Guy that I have tivo'd. By the way, that doesn't make me a douche because its 1130 on Friday night and I would rather entertain my inner child than go out and pull wool. I have four words for you....eat shit. Ok, the last point, the drunker you get, the funnier you get. Or so you are told. This guy that was beside me kept telling these girls, "Isn't my friend hilarious? I told him he should do stand-up." That choade grease wasn't funny, but more irritating. Loud. Doing voices. Give it up. There will be no sex for you tonight sir, unless your buddy thinks you are funny enough to talk him into giving you road head on the way home. Not unseen, just unnecessary. No need for gay sex just because your friend is funny. Not funny HAHA, funny queer. You are just like the Looney Poon himself, you are a fucking riot in your own mind. When it comes down to it, let the party come to you. Don't oversell yourself. Also, if you think that you are ready to tie one on, you usually need to stop unless you are looking for the whiskey dick factor to come into place. (read point 2)

If you follow these simple rules I will not guarantee sex for you, but I will guarantee that you will have a better shot. Listen I know quite a bit about pulling ass from random bars, I'm what you call a professional at it. Hell, just tonight I............ok, bad example. But this past week with this one chick we..........not really. No, for real about a month ago I had this girl in the palm of my hands and the she said............fuck you got me again.

Fuck it. Do the opposite of anything I tell you and you'll end up like this guy if you're lucky.


Beauty and the Poon