Friday, December 29, 2006

No, not that......

Shit, not that......what the fuck....

What the hell? Not that shit. Fuck it.

Ok, that blew harder than a freshman at a senior prom and I don't even think that I'm going in the right direction of where I want to go. Oh well, stick with me and we might learn something. As I sat at a local bar drinking tonight with a friend, I noticed a man desperately trying to make the midnight last call for ass. As I watched the poor soul sweep the damsel in distress off of her feet, I finally have enough to write about to where I can tell you poor shits what not to do. I also have to give a little thanks as we go along to some that have pointed out very obvious things to me in the past few weeks. And away weee gooooooo!!!!!

1. Pick up lines are not only pick up lines, but screams for desperation. If you can't sit there and start a normal conversation without using such cheesedick lines as "what's a pretty lady like you doing in a place like this?" (thanks Baker), just don't do it at all. I can strike up a conversation with a priest about an 8 year old with less akward lines than that and probably still get some ass at the end of the night if I play my holy cards right.

2. Drinks are a good starting point, but not a good thighmaster. Buying a girl a beer is one thing, but piling on shot after shot will not only lead to sloppy STD ridden sex with a girl that looks like Anna Nicole Smith (circa 2002), but also possibly a whiskey dick for yourself or a passing out on the way home from your significantly drunk other. And when I say STD, I'm not talking the good kind that makes you ribbed for her pleasure, but I'm talking the puss filled kind that shows up like mud butt at an interview.....not wanted, but cleansing non the less.

3. Paying for the tab doesn't guarantee sex. I will say that it helps, but not a guarantee. You need to for sure lock that shit up before handing over the 21% credit card that rapes you every month and still leaves you with a hearty helping of Sex Games : Cancun on cable. Look it up....I'm watching it as I type.

4. Talking about yourself is good, if you want to be an arrogant dickwad. Talk about her. Seriously......what? No, seriously. Oh, wow! You drive a new BMW? Those shoes cost you $300? Girls don't give two shits about that stuff. That just means you have a small penis and are looking for every reason to take her mind off of it while you are trying to get your 2 minutes of pleasure in just before you roll over and ask her to leave. You, sir are a dickwad of the highest power.....Did I mention that I bought new shoes and a new BMW. Not bragging, just saying.

5. This is my last one since I am tired and ready to watch the episodes of Family Guy that I have tivo'd. By the way, that doesn't make me a douche because its 1130 on Friday night and I would rather entertain my inner child than go out and pull wool. I have four words for shit. Ok, the last point, the drunker you get, the funnier you get. Or so you are told. This guy that was beside me kept telling these girls, "Isn't my friend hilarious? I told him he should do stand-up." That choade grease wasn't funny, but more irritating. Loud. Doing voices. Give it up. There will be no sex for you tonight sir, unless your buddy thinks you are funny enough to talk him into giving you road head on the way home. Not unseen, just unnecessary. No need for gay sex just because your friend is funny. Not funny HAHA, funny queer. You are just like the Looney Poon himself, you are a fucking riot in your own mind. When it comes down to it, let the party come to you. Don't oversell yourself. Also, if you think that you are ready to tie one on, you usually need to stop unless you are looking for the whiskey dick factor to come into place. (read point 2)

If you follow these simple rules I will not guarantee sex for you, but I will guarantee that you will have a better shot. Listen I know quite a bit about pulling ass from random bars, I'm what you call a professional at it. Hell, just tonight I............ok, bad example. But this past week with this one chick we..........not really. No, for real about a month ago I had this girl in the palm of my hands and the she said............fuck you got me again.

Fuck it. Do the opposite of anything I tell you and you'll end up like this guy if you're lucky.

Beauty and the Poon

Sunday, December 24, 2006

".....Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." Wasn't that a nice story? Well children, it's off to bed with you or Santa will not stop by tonight.

Isn't Christmas grand? I know that your family as well as mine, gather together around the fireplace that we don't have here in Texas and sing carrols, drink non-alcoholic egg nog and nuzzle up with the one you love to put a great cap on the season and the year.

..........ok, stop laughing. You're holiday is just like mine. You stop drinking to be around the family......drink on the way $25 giftcards that everyone gets each other which is basically a wash so there is no point in it.....go home and drink cheap red wine alone while watching "It's a Wonderful Life of Fucking" which is a Christmas based porn while you cry yourself to sleep. Oh, how I love the holidays. So, with that is my list of what I am thankful for.......

I. William Cullen
You drink your beer and spirits this season and you thank Jack, Jose (blah), Miller, Agustus, but you fail to appreciate the man who invented the refridgerator. Yes, Mr. Cullen, you are the man of whom I am thankful for this holiday season.

II. Scott and Bill Rasmussen
The hardcore Bristol fans will know the father/son combo that started my plague of not being able to hold a conversation that is not sports related. "Oh yeah that Miss USA thing......I heard about that. Did you see where PHX's win streak came to an end though...I mean that's news!" Yes, they are the founders of ESPN, the Excellence in Sports Performance Network. They have launched a problem that will continue in my life for years to come. However, I also think they had a hand in the ESPY's and for that, they will not get a Cadbury Egg Award for Easter. (stay tuned)

III. Whoever the hell created HD
Good God! This dude is a fucking genius. Look at that picture on NFL Network HD and you just point a finger (not middle) to the sky and say "I owe you one." Then realize that your service provider doesn't offer NFL Network and point a finger to the sky and say "You got me again you sneaky bastard."

IV. The guy that made this video and the people who starred in it.

V. The last and most important of all.....YOU
Cheezy? Yes. Appreciative...kinda. Thankful....sure. Well, in the next few weeks, those of you who have stuck through all the shitty blogs that I have posted partially drunk and rubbing sand in my vagina because of the heartbreak will see a brand new era starting. Stay tuned for more info, but you will not be disappointed.

Well, Merry Christmas to all of you who read this. (all 2 of you) May your holidays be safe and happy and try to remember that you only have to see them a couple of times a year so try not to go off on you relatives too will be home soon and you can break open the cheap red wine. Play grabass with your cousin like you did when you were young, and keep starring at your brother's wife's scantily clad hooters and akwardly look away when she catches you. Act like you need another Christmas sweater with a big puffy Rudolf nose and try not to acknowledge your grandmother's gas. I know I will.

Happy Holidays

(you see how sincere I get around the holidays?)

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Genius. The pride of the wolverines shows his true colors on national retarded idiot ass a color? Yep, I see it in my 128 count of crayola crayons. (Yeah 128 count bitch. That's how I roll.) Persimmon? Got it. Lemon? Got it. Fucking Cocoa, Coffee, Chocolate, I got all those bitches. Sorry, I like to brag on the crayons, back to my point. If none of you scholars knew from the video, Texas is not Texas A&M. I know you might have thought that us down here in Texas just have enough brains combined to pack our stallions into one college campus. Ok, maybe we do, but we have a few colleges here and they are different. Thank you Desmond "got the award because I perfected the pose" Howard. You remind me why I hate the blue. If you would like to see his apology, I couldn't find it, but I'm sure it's out there. It's really moving I mean like my bowels after a good 3am Taco Bell run in New Jersey. Well I'm going to get back to this Thursday night barn burner on the NFL Network that I get. Sorry to rub that in there Time Warner kids. This game is moving at the speed of pot and I am about to change it to the BYU/Oregon game I think. Get bent Desmond Howard-youstillontv. I stretched that, but deal with it.

Duck Billed Platypoon

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

TAH DAH!!!!! I'm back and better than ever. You miss me? Well f you too. Actually if you are on here, then you did miss me. Sorry for earlier, I get somewhat trigger happy with the f you's. And on with the big show...

First of all I would like to thank the thousands of emails and letters I received the past week being sick and all. My loyal fans truly helped the through the fight with allergies. I couldn't have done it without you. I really liked the one that I got from my close friend Michael Irvin, "powder your nose and call me in the morning. :)" He's such a great guy, and yes he did do the smiley face thing.....that's how he rolls.

On to the good stuff. I ran across something today that I found somewhat strange. The fucking olympics happened this year? Wow. How did Dominique Dawes do? What about the USA basketball team? Oh they didn't play? It's the winter olympics? That must be why I don't give a shit. Don't get me wrong, I can blame alot of stuff this year on alcohol (see most other posts), but I didn't catch the Olympics? Should I be ashamed or grateful? Could I end more sentences with question marks? Could I BEEE anymore annoying? (Friends reference just fyi)
Well, I'm sorry. I don't think this makes me a bad American, just ahead of my time. When you re-read this in 3 years right before the next Olympics, it will remind you to watch them. I feel like I am just doing a good deed for my fellow Americans ahead of time. Nah, I know you won't watch anymore than I will. In all honesty, I would rather watch a Sister Sister marathon dubed over with Fran Drescher's voice before I watched Women's 1800km Cross Country Skiing with no commercial interruptions. I remember in 2002 watching the speed skating competition and seeing them speed around the ice like a cat chasing a laser pointer on a newly waxed floor then they just slowed down. What? Oh, it's over. No buzz, no gun? It's their deal and I have no say so.
And as the days pass until I again get to enjoy not watching the Olympics, I will wait patiently and hoping that my submission for the Downhill Topless Intertube Race will be accepted. Even if that does happen, I will only be watching in 4 minute spurts every 45 minutes or so. Yes, that's a masterbation reference.

Willy Wanka

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Ya Wall....I went into work this morning kinda stuffy nosed and all, but didn't really affect the morning so much. After about 11am rolled past, it hit me. Go home and get some rest because my job is not that important. Don't get me wrong, I do important stuff, but it can be done from the house and not force myself into situations where I get sicker. It's nothing bad....stuffy nose, a little nasal leakage and maybe a brief cough here and there. It will be done in a few days. So I stopped by the local Thomas Thumberson to grab all of the juice I could get my hands on and I will dope myself silly with Vitamin C for the next 24 hours or so until this goes away like the career of the Salute Your Shorts cast.
I don't have much to say on this average Tuesday afternoon, I just wanted to keep myself somewhat occupado so the day doesn't seem like it takes forever. You know kind of like the first half of the MNF game last night took forever. BEATING.

While I have a little material on my mind and before the drugs kick in, I just want to give big kudos to Devin Hester. You may have come from the U, you may show soon that you have a bigger ego than Kellen Winslow II, you may have a horrible career and people only know you for your rookie season, but you are a record holder. Congrats on the 6th return for a TD this season breaking the all-time record of 5. Watch for this kid. He is a stud. Oh yeah by the way, he also got burnt on a Tori Holt touchdown in the second quarter. Eh, he's a rookie.

Medicine kicking in....POON kicking out.

Daniel POONe

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Oh that? That's my upstairs neighbor. Yes, it's Kersee herself. Well, at least it's going to make a decent story on here. Or would you rather hear me go off on tangents like I have been doing for the past few days? Now shut it and listen up mo-fo's.
Since I moved in here, there has been a nightly track meet going on upstairs from me. I'm pretty sure that the 100m hurdles and maybe even the high jump at times are going on. I have always wondered what exactly was going on up there so I decided to take a little look myself. I went upstairs just after the gun shot to start the race and peeked in the door. What did I find? That's right JJK herself doing the hurdles in her apartment. Maybe just staying in running condition, or maybe practicing for the next Olympics. Either way, it's fucking loud. I asked her if she would mind doing that outside instead of in her apartment (which somehow is ten times bigger than mine on the inside). She said, "Hey! Get the hell out of my place bitch before I roll a nine out on you cracker ass cracker."
That was enough for me. I quietly came downstairs and listened to the games go on for the rest of the night. I actually think that she took home the gold up there. Good for her I guess.
Ok, I have been drinking a little bit so that's not completely true. I do have a loud ass upstairs neighbor and it does sound like they are doing the hurdles until all hours of the night. I'm not saying that they are or aren't, but it sounds like it. Just thought I would let all of my followers know.

On a lighter note, I was informed last night that POON is not a good name for me. I know with all that has been going on, POON is somewhat a light name that will get run over. Well, I can't get rid of POON as my name. I'm sorry. I did capatalize it which makes it somewhat ok I think, but I know what they are getting at. I'm going to throw a couple of names out there and see what kind of feedback I get. Let me know of any suggestions.

I said I have been drinking so I think I'll get off of here before I embarass myself more. Give me some ideas. Until then.........

POON out

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I give out alot of this on my blog. Shit. I know you are tired of hearing it, but today was a fucking tough day. You know, you have stuck by my through this and for that I thank you. Some of you have been through this two or three times and thank you also. You are not getting a Christmas card, but thank you. I don't know exactly where I stand with this whole situation right now, so I'm not going to go into details about it. I'll just paint you a picture and you can tell what I'm feeling right now. I'm sitting here alone, t-shirt and pajama pants, black dress socks, miller lite, and a sharp knife I am keeping out of my reach.

So, what else is happening.........well shit. That's about all thats on my mind right now. Hold and let me see if I can dig up something to write how about that airplane food? Is it chicken or cardboard? What is the deal?
I apologize for that. A little Seinfeld moment.
Ok, so I don't have anything else to speak of at the moment. I have been reading this and it doesn't help, but it's something to read I guess.

Have fun my will get better.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Not much to say today ladies and gents, just wanted to share a little bit of history with you. Today is one of the most underappreciated days that I know of.....well, other than my birthday. Today in 1933, prohibition was lifted. Yeah, I'm surprised we don't celebrate it more also. Just think if all those old three piece suit and suspender wearing old black and white (because there wasn't color back then...duh) people never fought against prohibition, we wouldn't be in the drunken stupor we are in right now. There is not enough ways that I can thank those people for standing up for what is right.

Thanks Jack

Thanks Augustus

Thanks Pete

Thanks Jim

Thanks Captain

Thanks Mr. Schlitz

Most of all.....thank you Mr. Advil for making all those thought of never drinking again go away. These guys are my best friends and sometimes I talk bad about them, but they know I'm just joking. Did I leave anyone out............oh yeah,

ROT IN HELL JOSE.........ROT IN HELL INDEED.........(see you next weekend)


Monday, December 04, 2006

Can, Can't, Want and Will

I'm putting those on the top so that i remember what I'm getting at. This is probably going to be a long post because I am still in my same phase from yesterday and I'm trying to get stuff down. Stand strong my will be over soon. Hey, you might even learn something with this one.

CAN - to be able to; have the ability, power or skill to
Can is a really overused and under emphasized word. "Can" you do something? Sure. The real question is "do you want to" or "will you". If your boss says, "Can you get that report to me by the end of the day?" You say yes although you don't WANT to but you WILL because it's your job. OK, I'm not talking about work related shit, I'm talking relationship. Of course, what else would I be talking about on here. CAN you live without someone? Yes. Do you WANT to? No. WILL you?..........Waiting for an answer? You're not getting one. That is the big question out of the three that is tough to answer.........We will return to it

CAN'T - have no alternative
Can't is a very complicated word. On the same lines as can, can't is mostly used in place of what we really mean. I CAN'T do this or that. Most of the time, you can, you just choose not to. Again the WANT and WILL (or will not) come into play. You can't make stuff work. You can't live without someone. Not true. It's about effort, communication and determination.

WANT - to wish, need, crave, demand or desire
Want is what I think is the most overused and underappreciated word. I'm not going into the want and need conversation (though catch me depressed next week and we might) but want is not the word it used to be. As I saw the definitions, there were many, and I chose this one. The thing I feel interesting is the "wish" part. We confuse want and need alot, but really want is a wish. Do you want someone in your life? Yes. Is it a want or need? (remember another day we will get into this) A crave or desire to have that person is something that can be overcome by time and probably not much more than that. Wants will pass and become could's or might's, but want is probably the most heavy word, and emotion that there is.

WILL - expected or required to, disposed or willing to
I put two definitions on here because they are so much alike and still so different. Required to and willing to are completely opposites, but still go down the same road. Will you move on? Will that person be back in your life? Will you accept it? Hmmmmmm.......hitting a nerve? Well piss on you, it is to me.

You know, I'm almost disappointed in myself for doing this on here again. You don't want to hear me bitch, you want to hear all the hilarious quick one liners that I have been known for. This is something that will stop. Here. Now. From now on, poon is no longer. Well, I can't give up the name poon, but I'm just saying as far as an attitude, poon is no longer. From now on it will be POON. Capitalized and proud. Let's change this up a bit and get some laughs in before I close.

Some of you will get this and for those of you that don't, comment and ask me, I'll share it.
This guy walks into this talent agents office and says, "Man have I got an idea for a show for you." The agent looks at him and says, "Well, let's see it."
The guy brings out his family and they all start beating each other with baseball bats. The father starts making out with his mother while his kids are peeing on the family dog. His wife then starts crapping and throwing up on the kids and her husband. They all face the talent agent and yell "TAH DAH!!!!"
The agent looks at them and says, "WOW, that's quite an act. What do you call it?"
The husband says, "The BCS."

Hope you enjoy that PK.


Sunday, December 03, 2006

You know, you have good days and bad days after break is a bad day. No good reason for it, just woke up this morning (early this morning after drinking all night) and that's all that was on my mind. I am getting on here hoping that I can get something written down that will take my mind off of it for at least another hour when football starts. Stay with me....probably alot of rambling.
The only other big thing that is on my mind right now is last night's football antics. If for some reason you didn't see this coming....for shame! You knew it was too good to be true. The BCS actually working when USC pounds UCLA and marches into the championship game and all is well at the round table of the BCS. Well, (PK you will like this) USC took it in the Booty. UCLA came out with their 6-5 record and that QB...what's his name, and that big know that guy, and their defense lead by........oh that one kid. Star studded cast waiting to be shut down by a darn good team with a head coach that seems to just breed good players in his system. Never mind the fact that his tounge is too big for his mouth (Quincy Carter disease) or that his chin rivals the size of Jay Leno, he is a damn good coach. Well, USC either really showed their age at QB or UCLA just wanted that game more. I know you tOSU fans know this, but how rewarding can it be for your team to knock their biggest rival out of the national championship game in the last game of the year. Good for you UCLA. Drink the wine of champions today and burn some poor old lady's couch (and maybe her whole house), flip a car over and pass out in a trash can after smoking a pack of Pall Mall's and drinking some Schaefer. You deserve it. get the same thing that 50% of the other schools get, another game and a tie for third place along with all of the other programs that didn't get into the big game. IF (yes i mean to capitalize it) scUM gets into the big game, the road to Glendale might still go through SoCAL. tOSU fans will be making a pit stop just to drop off a small brown bag on the football players door steps, light the top, knock and run. HAHA it's poop in the bag! That's what you get for ruining the BCS. I thought it would work.

Depressed in Dallas